Dear Ex-boyfriend-Dear Future Husband;

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

I am going to give a disclaimer at the very beginning of this post. I am by no means saying that dating is easier for thin or average sized women. What I am sharing is my own experiences dating as a fat chick, plus size, or curvy woman. (I know some folks don’t like the whole fat chick thing, but you know I’m not changing who I am!)  *note* I recently got out of a long-term relationship, I’m sure there are questions about him and this topic.  I can say unequivocally he is the only man who never placed these stresses on me or our relationship.  He was pretty damn supportive of me and my weight losses and gains so no chop busting of him for anyone who knows him.  Now then, moving on.

Obviously I am single, never married and no have kids. Some say I have dodged all the bullets!! But at 35 there are moments when I wonder where the hell I went wrong. I really started thinking about my dating life while brainstorming this post.  I realized I could have been married to some real jackasses that would likely have resulted in either murder or divorce.  I do think it’s important to be certain when you choose a forever relationship.  I feel like I finally know myself better, and I know what I won’t put up with and what I want.

In my experience there are several types of men who date fat chicks and based on my observations I am going to break them down into 6 groups.  This is based on the men I’ve met and dated.

Dear Ex-Boyfriends,

If you’ve dated me, yes you fit into one of these categories…. Sorry gentlemen (well, some gentlemen), just being honest. I am sorry if any of this hurts you, or if something that happened between us is below.  I can’t be responsible if anything I say hurts you. I know that so many of these things that I experienced are in part my own fault for not being vocal about what happened.  But it is important to be honest about the pain I have carried throughout my life based on your choices as well as my own. 

1. Closet guys.  (Not gay) They love the curves but can’t seem to stomach or defend their preference to anyone who may judge them. Therefore you are never seen by anyone, in their real life, you don’t exist. They don’t ever seem to be an alpha male, they aren’t all that comfortable standing up to their family. They are the most frustrating.

2. In and out guys.  These guys also struggle with being judged, but, will put up with the razzing to an extent. You may meet some people in their life, but not everyone. They will push you to be on a diet in a relatiely persistent manner. They will date you openly, but, if you don’t achieve the weight goals they expect (they may or may not tell you that number) they will break up with you. These guys are an enigma since they have some people in their lives who know their preference but can’t seem to cross over to complete comfort.

3. Hot mess. These guys are just idiots. As the label indiates they are a mess in that they are looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong places. They may be somewhat attracted to the fat chicks body (somehow I doubt it) but they are just looking for sex. They will say and do whatever they need to get it.  I think these guys are after all women not  just the big girls.

4. The Fixers. With these guys it’s not really clear to me how much they actually like the actual body of the fat chick but may have been won over by her personality.  Or specifically attracted to the boobs or butt.  They are on the diet with you, go to the gym with you and throw out the cookies when you aren’t looking. They want to do very phsycial activites because it’s what they like to do, but also gets you in shape. They don’t seem to care what the world thinks about you, but you may not meet anyone in their life.  If you don’t hold up to their physical demands, their weight loss goals for you, and/or activity level they too will break up with you.

5. The Comfortable. I find these guys normally like the booty.  They won’t ask you to be on a diet unless you complain about your weight.  If you lose a little too much weight and it starts making your booty smaller they will mention it. They do appear to have a clear preference for fat chicks and I’ve found it’s possible to have very long-term relationships with them. They don’t seem to care what anyone thinks about you and support what you want. They are generally good guys.

6. Fat chick lovers. Generally in average to very very good shape. (just an observation, they care about their own looks) They appreciate the female body, the symmetry of the curves in relation to one another.  They are content with your weight and some even wouldn’t bust chops if you gained a little weight.  They are able and comfortable explaining exactly why they are attracted to you. They generally seem to be supportive of your weight goals and where you are happy.

So, what does this mean to my dating life, well a whole lot of it straight sucked. I do acknowledge that some things in life need to suck for you to be able to appreciate the good and really love the amazing.  So the interesting thing about the groupings I mention above is often times you aren’t able to figure out initially where the man falls.  So not only are you dealing with meeting and meshing with someone new, 1 through 4 add a whole other level of stress and additional defenses that a fat chick need to be raised.

I thought I’d share some examples of real life situations that I’ve encountered and conversations that I have had with men I have dated.  My thoughts on the occurrence and suggestions of how to handle them.

•  “You are so pretty, if you would just lose _______ pounds.” (fill in the number) This happened more times that I can recall. In retrospect I should have said f*** off and immediately walked away.

• Never meeting friends or family even after months of dating. Even when specifically asking about meeting them the subject would always be changed.  *please note I accept responsibility for “dating” these guys. Ladies, if you’ve been with someone for  months and never encounter anyone in his life outside of your relationship you need to ask pointed questions about your relationship and/or run.

• Your weight effects what I like to do.  So he was a active guy and after a couple months of dating decided,  that in his opinion, my weight would prevent us from doing the active things that he liked to do.  We actually discussed my weight when we started dating and he claimed a million times that he liked my body.  His concern wasn’t communicated until the break-up.  One word, coward.  If you as an adult aren’t capable of having a difficult conversation with the person you are dating you don’t deserve them.  I find it funny when people judge my weight. I think its always important when you are judging someone you are daiting, you should consider your own flaws and what the other person is overlooking in being with you.  At the end of the day, I am lucky that it went down this way, I deserve better.

 

• The guy who doesn’t believe in marriage. This one is particularly tough, this has happened to me 3 times.  The next girl he dated was thin and he married her. The true lesson besides these guys were obviously 1 or 2, if you want marriage and a man says he doesn’t believe it in WALK AWAY.  You will not change him, you will not be enough, you will not convince him that he wants to be with you.  Please trust me, move on.

• The expectation that I should always be on a diet and that “someday” I’ll get to the right weight. Of course this is uncomfortable which creates an environment that you are nervous to eat birthday cake on your own birthday!  This isn’t ok.  If you want to be on a diet, be on a diet.  But if you don’t, as the fat chick, you have to be clear that you don’t want to be on a diet.

•  “She can’t have a healthy baby because of her weight.”  This one actually pisses me off! Fat women have been having healthy babies for hundreds of years.  Now will I agree that you could have problems sure, I’m not a doctor. I had a very interesting conversation with my  OB and she disputes this idiocy.  Each person is different and of course you should consult your own doctor, but it’s a pretty crappy blanket statement. I should have gone to his mother’s house (she was the one who said it)  and punched her in the face.  (I don’t advocate violence, but really lady??)

• The home relationship. You never go anywhere, ever, for any reason. He was typically very sweet and affectionate. These really only happened in my younger years when I was too naive and self-conscious to immediately end it. Ladies don’t do it, you’ll only get hurt. And frankly telling him that you understand his feelings about judgment from the outside world and that he has to work on his own issues and come to terms with his own preferences before bringing another person into the drama.

• The sex on the first date “situation”.  This is typically the Hot Mess idiots. So these are the guys that assume that because I’m a fat chick I’m easy.  Really boys??? I said boys on purpose, mainly because I am a creature of intelligence and for me to be attracted to you in a sexual way I need more than a coffee date.  I mean let’s be honest, sure we are all animals and attraction is great. But news flash, I don’t have a problem attracting guys and I’m not sleeping with you right away. It’s just not happening. Ladies, you only have one body, choose carefully who you share it with.

Life is difficult. Dating is difficult. Anything worthwhile is difficult.  However, both sides of the situation have to take responsibility for the success and failure of a relationship.  Both sides have to take responsibility for their behavior.  Guys for being asshats and women for putting up with it.

Men- If you are attracted to fat chicks stop being chicken shit.  Seriously, a person can’t help who and what they are attracted to.  For example, I am not really attracted to heavy men or black guys, not because they are bad people, I am just not physically attracted to their look.  If you are attracted to curvy girls accept it.  But when I say accept it, accept her as she is, don’t make suggestions unless of course she asks.  Don’t make her feel less than the human that she is.  Don’t try to fix her.  If she asks you for help you should help, but don’t make her feel bad for having a cookie.  Make a stand for yourself to your friends and family, you too deserve to be happy in the relationship that YOU are in and that YOU have chosen.  If you aren’t willing to accept her for who and what she is, do her a favor and don’t bother.  The pain that you inflict on a person’s heart when you are willing to be in a relationship that is less than honest isn’t fair.

Ladies-If you are the fat chick, pay attention. If something doesn’t seem right it probably isn’t.  Don’t ignore your own intuition and don’t be afraid to ask difficult questions.  As I have gotten older I am what I like to call “Balls Out”  (no I don’t have balls) but I am saying EXACTLY what I am thinking and how I feel about situation. This doesn’t mean that I am disprespectful or mean (well maybe a little mean at times) but that I am honest.    You have a responsibility to yourself to understand what it is the person you are dating is looking for and make sure that it fits with what you want.

Dear Future Husband,

Any man who dates me is getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  This is who I am.  I am a fat chick, curvy girl, or plus size woman.  Whatever label you are most comfortable with, or maybe no label at all.  I cannot promise you that I will lose or gain another pound in my life.  If you want to be in my life you have to accept me and love me for who and what I am RIGHT NOW.  Please know that I want to be a healthy person and live a healthy active life.  I need you to understand that this has to be on my own terms. Just as I would not ask you to get hair plugs if you are losing your hair, consider what you are asking me if you pressure me to lose or gain weight.  I need you to support me in my decision, whatever that may be.

Understand that I have been damaged over the years, but I am a strong woman.  I have learned from each and every relationship that I have had.  I won’t treat you like you are every other man I’ve dated but know that I am a little guarded because of some of those experiences.   Accept me for me and I promise you I will do the same, I look forward to our future.

Sincerely,

Tori

As always, thanks for reading.

2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 950 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 16 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

The truth about my local liquor store- 10 on the emotional pain scale.

This post has been on my mind for the several months but I really needed to get it out of my heart for the last year. Gathering the courage to share it with the world took some time.  The situation that I am sharing contains an excruciating experience and a taste of being fat in the real world.

I am sharing this for a few reasons,  first, to get it out of my head so I can finally let it go.  Second, so that others who have experienced these types of shenanigans know they aren’t alone.  Ultimately, I  want individuals who are hurtful to strangers to understand the gravity of their actions. It’s so important to think before you speak and to understand how you can have an effect actions are doing to the world around them.

The back story: Why Tori was at the liquor store?  Anyone who knows me will tell you that if a fundraiser is happening for someone in need I am most defiantly on board to help.  We were doing a raffle fundraiser for a co-worker in need and I was trying to be creative as we were heading into the summer time.  I decided to make a gardening basket and a margarita basket for the raffle the next day. After a full day of work my final stop was at the liquor store for the margarita mix and tequila. I am already uncomfortable in a liquor store since I really don’t drink all that often.

It’s a small liquor  store in North Massapequa.  The selection isn’t that great, prices were fair and it was located where I was already shopping. After working 11 hours and shopping another hour I didn’t really care.  The man behind the register barely acknowledged my existence upon entering the store even though I smiled and said hello.  He didn’t ask me if I needed any help, or had any questions which didn’t upset me since margarita ingredients are simple even for me.

I selected my purchases and made my way to the register. The man asked if I needed anything else, I said no.  He then asked for my driver’s license, which surprised me since I am 34. I handed him my license and my bank card without hesitation.  I chalked it up to him being cautious for about 5 seconds.   He stopped talking and started staring at my license then back at me, then back at my license.  I told him, “I’m 34.”  He said, “No, it’s just that you are so fat compared to this picture, is this you?”

My breath was sucked from my lungs in a millisecond and I immediately felt I needed to explain myself. I started telling him how I’d lost weight, gotten hurt then gained weight. Somewhere in the middle of my explanation he handed me back my license. I stopped and pondered why I felt the need to give this man an explanation about something so personal.  He had no right and was incredibly insensitive.

He stopped putting my purchases in the bag and asked for my license again at which point I should have cursed him out and left but I complied and handed it over. The then asked for my name to which I replied in a sarcastic tone, “Victoria”. He replied, “last name”? I almost mispronounced my name on purpose, “Fuchs”.  He continued, “date of birth?” My gasket close to blowing, I let out a deep sign and gave him my birthday.  He handed my license and bank card back with a flick of his wrist. The monster deep within me flared, the dragon that has been verbally abused by so many over the years crept sleepily from her slumber.  I shoved my cards into my wallet and took a long deep breath to see if I could keep the flames from burning him to ashes.

The next part of this is probably the least proud moment in my life, because this person pushed me to say something that I would typically never, ever say. As I began to sign the credit slip I looked this man straight in the eye and said, “I don’t know how things are in your country but in this f***ing country calling someone fat is unacceptable and frankly disgusting. How dare you speak to me and I can promise you that I will never bring my business here and tell everyone I know about you.” Without hesitation he said that he was simply doing his job.

I grabbed my stuff and left, as I walked to my truck I choked back a sob but had tears painfully streaming down my face. I sat in the parking lot 20 more minutes trying to get it together.

I think that the most upsetting thing about this situation is not the ignorance of this one man but that I am dumb enough to let someone while no value or significance in my life cause me this type of emotion.  As I have considered what happened that day I ponder why people feel they have the right to judge anyone else and speak to them in a disrespectful way.  I also think about what is really the proper way to handle these types of situations, this was not the first and I’d be willing to bet a lot of money that it won’t be the last.

I recently had a conversation with someone who survived breast cancer, she told me that she realized that life is truly short and we have no idea how long we truly have. She no longer keeps her mouth shut. Meaning she says what she is thinking and is very blunt with the world.  Her perspective got me thinking.
So here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. No longer will I let anyone make me feel less than I am.

What does that mean? Well if you don’t matter to me then I frankly don’t care what you think, nor do I care what your opinion is of me.

-should someone say something hurtful, judgments or inappropriate you can bet your bank account that I will tell them.

2. I need to love myself regardless of my weight.

– I really have to start talking to myself the way my best friend would.  Living in a superficially driven society is hard for everyone.  But is particularly hard for a fat chick. I get license to say that since I’ve been fat and skinny and fat again as an adult. That being said the world is going to be crappy, I need to love myself so that when the bad things happen I can let it go.

3. Some people just suck.

It’s safe to say that I will never set foot in that store again so I won’t likely have to see that man again. I will choose to avoid this idiot. I also don’t want to allow people to bring me to a level that makes me say and do things that my love of people and the world don’t agree with.

4. Words can hurt everyone.  I know I use the word fat a lot, so some may say who cares if someone calls you fat, you call you fat.  While this may be true the tone and context in which a word is used makes a difference.  I used it in a playful and descriptive way.  This man used it in a disgusting and hurtful way.  In short, its how it was said, not exactly what was said.

Now, I also got to thinking, if I’m going to avoid that interaction with a stranger I should probably be a little more critical about relationships within my personal life.

I’m not a new Tori, but one who has no intention of allowing people to mistreat me, be disrespectful, or behave in an inappropriate way toward me. If your intention in your relationship is to use me in any way consider this your notice.

I know that most people who have personal relationships with each other say what they say because they care but I guess the best recommendation is to think before you speak and be supportive.  You may not always agree with the choices or decisions but you should respect them.

Finally, I believe that all people deserve mutual respect, if you aren’t getting it, start demanding it.  This experience was so painful but I learned from it. I am stronger and I will survive and take what I have learned to live a better life.  I hope you do the same.

Thanks for reading

-Tori

 

Low self-esteem, break your cycle

In the last several weeks I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about my self-esteem issues. I have mulled over what happened in my life that resulted in me feeling negatively about myself.  I am now more than ever committed to repairing myself in order to be a happier Tori.  someone at one point in life. I have particular experience with being put down, bullied, or mistreated because of my weight. In my life I have experienced verbal attacks, dirty looks, comments about food choices, fashion, make-up, and as deep as being disrespected, mistreated and hurt by men I have dated. (Granted, I chose to date those guys so I take that responsibility)

*****NOTE**** I am not looking for any sympathy because I have had these experiences. I feel like I’ve seen a million posts online where people love to tell fat people that their life sucking is all their own fault. To a point, I don’t  disagree with their point. Now don’t burn me at the stake, but the MAJORTIY of people who have weight problems are self-inflicted. VERY few people are overweight as a result of a true medical reason. Now there are a whole facet of emotional reasons that cause us to overeat and in turn lots of overweight people. My point? No one put a gun to my head and made me eat the triple chocolate ice cream. I am the only person who can control that, therefore, I am responsible for my weight.  If you know me you know that I always accept what I am responsible for, and this issue, I own.

Now back to my real topic, self-esteem. A friend of mine has gotten a little annoyed over the past couple of weeks about some things that I have said about myself or really feelings about what I think I deserve in life. My feelings really relate directly to my own self-esteem issues. I know that it can be annoying when you see a person differently than they see themselves. I ask my friend for patience and a little understanding of how and why I have arrived at the opinion of myself.  It doesn’t mean its true, it just means its my current perception.

What is your Self-esteem? Per the dictionary-

Self-esteem: a feeling of satisfaction that someone has in himself or herself and his or her own abilities.

Now that it’s clear what it is, how did it get so screwed up?

The ruining of a person’s self-esteem starts off with judgment at its basic form. Should you be eating that? Are you really going to wear that? You would be so pretty if you just ________ (fill in the blank). You’re fat. (Wow; thank god you told me or I would have never EVER known) It gets worse from here, men yelling out at you on the street, women telling you to go kill yourself, the look of disgust from a stranger in a mall or a sales associate in a store that doesn’t have clothes in your size. And finally, relationships with the opposite sex with individuals who like your personality, love the way you look but are too embarrassed to make them a part of their life.

The truly sucky thing is that with the damage to ones self-esteem it is easy to accept so much that is unacceptable. To allow relationships to become toxic and people who clearly have no true love for you to stay in your life. It’s upsetting to think that I have allowed others to take advantage of me simply because I don’t feel like I am good enough.

These things combined are hard to repair, but it’s not impossible. I am determined to repair my self-esteem. I feel like allowing it to stay damaged gives every person who ever hurt me a piece of my heart. It allows those cracked inflicted on my soul to go on unrepaired.

Working to become a better person I have to stay focused on the positive. What I can control, that is myself. I have to make a conscious effort every day to repair those parts of myself that have been damaged over my life. Most importantly to evaluate the relationships currently in my life critically and only keep those that are healthy and support my long term life goals. I have to learn to believe what I know to be true about myself. I am a kind and caring person who has so much to offer to the world. I must reject the unkind, untrue and hurtful comments, looks and sentiments sent my way. Focus on my truth and focus on my plan to live the best life I can.

Oh, and on a side note,  I have re-lost a total of 73 pounds!  I am working the WW program and focused on getting consistent activity in!  It’s working!

What is so wrong about talking about me (YOU)?

“I wanna talk about me- Wanna talk about I

Wanna talk about number one Oh my me my.

What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see….

I like talking about you, usually, but occasionally I wanna talk about me!”

 

Ok so I know that Toby Keith is talking about himself in his song, and as much fun as it is to share my story with you, I really want to talk about YOU. And why talking about “YOU” is so hard.

I feel this is such a paramount part of a journey to a healthier you and how it is key to a healthier me. Over the years I have attended hundreds of Weight Watchers meetings, lunches and dinners out with the girls, weddings, funerals and anywhere else women get together and talk. We are great at figuring out what has to get done, a way to get everything accomplished that benefits everyone else in our world. We make sure the family is fed, the laundry is done (though I forget a load in the washer at least once a month), bills are paid, everyone has a ride to the event or place they need to go and the spouse is as happy as possible. After all of that we seem to have little to no time for ourselves, not to mention no time or money to spend.

Why is this ok? We all have to get better about talking about “ME”. I remember a WW meeting that the classic busy mom sat there talking about how run down and overwhelmed she felt. She talked about the struggle she was having with making food that the family wanted but resisting the food she knew would hurt her weight loss goals. She was having a harder time at work with all the parties and celebrations.

I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, I asked her why she didn’t ask her husband and teenage children for help. She looked almost stunned. Then asked what I meant, I simply said that she needed to ask them for help. I feel like the beginning of the journey was the hardest and that for me I asked my family and friends to support my goals. I asked them not to offer me cake and then shame me when I refused it. I asked that we not have bags of chips in the house because I knew I had no control over it. We removed the ice cream because it was the one thing that could get me out of bed in the middle of the night.   My boyfriend had strict orders to ask me what I was having before we went out to a restaurants because I was going to choose my WW friendly meal before we got there. I would let him order for me so I couldn’t change my mind.

Where I agreed with her most was work. It is the most dangerous place that I exists in. Anyone who works with me can certainly vouch for the fact that my place of employment is not safe. With over 3000 employees in our building we have so many birthdays, weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, retirement parties, promotions, super bowl, holiday parties, and even those parties because we made it to Friday. Even with the fear of outing myself to my co-workers now I will share the strategies for work that worked for me:

1. When someone offers you birthday cake say, “Happy Birthday to you, but no thank you.”
2. When they say, “Come on, it’s just one piece.” Take it graciously, chat for a few minutes then wander away, as soon as you are out of their view and toss it in the trash. That’s right, I said toss it. I know some will think I am horrible but it’s hard for everyone to understand what happens when I eat one piece of cake. It NEVER ends with just the piece of cake
3. ALWAYS keep healthy snacks in your desk, ALWAYS. Being hungry is the number 1 way to be sure that you will not stay on plan.
4. Bring your food. Eating in the cafeteria or going out is expensive and is never as healthy as what you bring from home.
5. Eat the food YOU brought. I know sometimes the lure of ordering is hard to resist, but if you order anyway you have now wasted money and food that you brought and you are eating way more calories.
6. Share your plan, I know that everyone isn’t comfortable sharing the fact that they are trying to lose weight but if you are and you tell the people around you they will support you. It’s amazing to see just how supportive your co-workers will be. One year on my birthday everything that was brought in for my birthday party at work was healthy and/or a WW recipe with point values. I was so moved that my co-workers were so into helping me achieve my goals by celebrating in a safe way for me!
7. Thank people when they behave in a way that supports your goals. (It seems silly, but when someone offers you a healthy snack instead of cake or cookies you should thank them)

Getting back to Toby Keith, he was brave enough to say that he wanted to talk about himself even though it’s really a taboo thing. There is nothing wrong with being focused on those around you until it gets to the point that you suffer. I know that when I am healthy and taking care of myself I am so much better at taking care of those around me. You have to remember to say to those you love, “After me, you come first, after me. “ It doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you smart, and better able to live a healthy life. Please take some time to talk to your friends and family about YOU this weekend!!!

A New Year, a New Me…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

What will be your resolution?

So today is the last day of 2014 and the general buzz is that of making New Year’s Resolutions.  Honestly, I feel like the majority of my life making New Year’s Resolutions was pointless. Obviously the thought behind making them came from  good intentions but the execution is where I have fallen short in accomplishing my goals as I am sure many people can relate to.

My weight loss journey has taught me so much about how to get amazing results and helped me learn how properly execute a plan.  I actually started Weight Watchers in October of 2007 I think that was actually one of the reasons I was successful because it was NOT a New Year’s Resolution.  STOP right there!! I am in no way saying that you shouldn’t make weight loss or getting healthy a resolution.  I am simply stating that my decision to save my life was made prior to New Years!

I feel that it’s a little crazy to say that because a New Year has arrived that I will suddenly change and tomorrow I will be a new person.  In my experience the world just doesn’t;work that way, it takes a plan and hard work to accomplish real change in your life.  I mean I hear Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

Let’s take a little closer look at what resolution actually means.

Merriam-Webster defines as follows:

res·o·lu·tion

noun \ˌre-zə-ˈlü-shən\

: the act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict, problem, etc. : the act of resolving something

: an answer or solution to something

As I thought about what I wanted to say about the New Year it seemed appropriate to really get to the bottom of the meaning and how we can put it into action.  I was also curious to see what kind of resolutions other people are making.

So here are some New Year’s Resolution statistics from Statisticbrain.com:

Rank	Top 10 New Year’s resolutions for 2014
1	Lose Weight
2	Getting Organized
3	Spend Less, Save More
4	Enjoy Life to the Fullest
5	Staying Fit and Healthy
6	Learn Something Exciting
7	Quit Smoking
8	Help Others in Their Dreams
9	Fall in Love
10	Spend More Time with Family

So when you take a look at the list most of them make sense, I don’t know about falling in love on a schedule, but I don’t judge anyone for having it on your list. The problem with every single one of these resolutions is that there is no plan of how to get to the end point. To lose weight, what are you going to do? What plans do you have? Are you following a plan? Exercising? Do you need to set money aside for the plan? Do you need support from others or at least respect for your goal to accomplish it? If you need their help/understanding are you prepared to ask for it?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. It seems to be way more effective to focus on one resolution a year so that you can give your goal the time and consideration it will need to really happen. There is no rule that I know of that says that you can’t make another resolution in the middle of the year once you are in control of the one you started the year with.

A few things to remember when making a New Year’s Resolution that will actually work:

• Keep it simple. Choose something that really adds value to your life, and that you are ready to change. This needs to be realistic, losing 100 pounds in a year or saving $50,000 are relatively difficult for most people to accomplish. Unless of course you quit your job and work out three times a day, go on The Biggest Loser and/or win the lottery.
• Make sure your goal is measurable. If you say you want to quit smoking it’s pretty clear if you are doing it or not. If you say you want to smoke less you have to know how much are smoking, going from two packs to one is measurable.
• Set reasonable timeframes which goes hand in hand with the first bullet. If you want to lose weight 8 pounds a month is reasonable, 2 pounds a week. 20 pounds a month, not so much!
• Write is down. When I was in 4-H and FFA growing up a good bit of the leadership side of these organizations helped you to set goals and make plans to accomplish them. I have heard a million times that actually writing it down increases the likelihood that you will be able to accomplish the goal
• Make a plan, which stems from the prior point. Make sure that you have bite size steps to get to the end (your Resolution)
• Accept that you are human. You will stumble, make mistakes and sometimes fall. In fact, I have actually jumped off the wagon a couple of times. But the great thing about life is that most mistakes can be reversed and every moment of your life gives you the opportunity to start over. For example, parties at work are hard for me. If I eat like crazy throughout the day I don’t just say forget it the day is blown and have a free for all for the rest of the day. The very next meal is on program and choosing something that gets me closer to my goal is a step in the right direction.
• Reward yourself and celebrate your accomplishments. For example, every 5 pounds I lose I reward myself. Now simmer down, I don’t mean by eating half a cheesecake. I mean by rewarding myself with something that supports my goal. Like buying a new shirt, sleeping in on the weekend even thought I know I have a ton of stuff to do, buy a new charm for my Pandora, getting a massage or a nice manicure.

At the end of the day, it will be a New Year. Can it be the year of a new you or even a new me? Sure it can, but that will only happen if the plan is clear, reasonable and the commitment is given. I wish for everyone to live the life they truly want to live and to accomplish the goals that they really want. I implore you to think about what I have offered and try to make your resolutions responsibly.  As the definition suggests find a problem then take action to find your solution.  Of course, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

The Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth…so help me…..

It’s time to come clean….there is something healing about letting out my failure. I feel like will help me finally heal.  I have gained weight, a lot of weight in fact…… There, I said it. I for the first time am sharing the BLOG that I started two semester’s ago in one of my college classes with ALL my friends.  I suppose some would say I haven’t been honest, but I also have friends that say this is no ones business.  I know that my previous success with my weight loss is so greatly attributed to the love an support that I have had from my friends and my family. So, I feel the need to share this part of my journey too.

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have been devastated by my weight gain.  I spent so many years working so hard but l  felt shattered on a warm day in July 2012.  We had just finished at my Boyfriends, uncles funeral and were heading to meet his family for lunch.  While I love Brooklyn, I’d have to say I hate their sidewalks.  That day I fell and broke my arm and damaged my knee.  It threw me for a loop that I wasn’t expecting after all, I was invincible right?  I lost 210 pounds, spent over three years learning the program, I thought I would be fine…….But I learned that the mental side of this journey is the one that I failed at, I didn’t fail at the food.  I failed to fix my brain, lets be honest weight issues are rarely about the food and mostly about the reason in our lives that we are eating the food that makes us gain.

I struggled so terribly, when the fall happened I was working out 5 to 6 times a week on top of going to school part time and working a full time job.  My injury and inability to be active sent me spiraling into a place I never want to go again.  I was depressed and I handled the whole situation so badly that my heart actually hurts a little right now thinking about it.  I couldn’t get control of my emotions or change my eating habits since I wasn’t active at all.  I spent the better part of the next year in a fog, that is the only way I can explain it.  I kept eating like I was working out, and then after that wore off I was eating because I was depressed.  I couldn’t workout, my doctor didn’t even want me going for a walk.  I closed myself off from the world and that was the beginning of the end.

I did continue to go to WW meetings and I sat in the back, and quietly stewed over my situation but couldn’t seem to get it together.  It wasn’t until late June of this year that I really started to get it together.  I re-established myself with a little help have lost 58 pounds. I have been back in the gym since May and I graduated college with my BS in Professional Communications 9 days ago.  I feel like I have my life back.  It’s not about the weight, (not that it doesn’t feel good to lose) but it’s about the way I feel about myself.

The last few days have been for lack of better terms “weird” trying to figure out what I am going to do with all this free time that I spent the last ten years on going to school, doing homework, and studying.  I have decided to add a second day with my personal trainer and to write.  I did get a degree that is heavy on the writing so it does make sense.  When I thought about when I was happiest over the past two years I realized that it was during the class that I built this BLOG and wrote from my heart.

I intend to spend the next year sharing my journey with you, so welcome to “Fat Girl Friendly World- A Fat Girls journey to health, happiness and self discovery.”  Thank you for sticking with me.  My posts from class are still here, feel free to check them out!

Dear Exercise Police

I am writing you today to give you my confession.  I know that it is long overdue and you have been waiting for me to come clean.  You have to understand why I didn’t do this sooner and what my promises to you are going forward.  I have missed you terribly even though I’m sure you haven’t really felt the love.  Before I broke my arm we were together 6 days a week without fail.  In fact I was in love with the way you made me feel for the first time in my life.   I made no excuses, my gym bag was packed in the evening, put in my car in the morning, and used every day.  Even during those winter months when I would go into the gym and put clothes on that had been in the car all day and felt like I was wearing a sheet of ice.  I never betrayed you.

You see exercise I was hurt pretty badly when I fell and my knee pops out of place whenever it feels like it.  I am scared of you exercise and it breaks my heart to admit the truth.  I am afraid that when I really try to get you back, that you and my body will have given up on me.  Don’t mistake this for weakness, I haven’t given up on myself.  I have seen the inside of the gym but only ventured to the swimming pool.  As I pass the beauty that is within the gym I am distant because I am disappointed in myself. There was a time when I was scared of nothing, and the fact that this fear lives inside me is infuriating.

I beg of you, please don’t cast a sentence upon me that includes a life without you.  I know you are hurt feel as if I have abandoned you but please, I beg you don’t believe it.  I am coming back, I am going to succeed, and I will need you every step of the way.  I am feeling stronger now and I know that you will only help me along the way.  I need you to understand that I have to take this slowly, I don’t want to hurt myself even more.  But I also want you to know that I know I need you and am focused on having you back in my life on a full time basis.  I hope you feel the same way, and feel inclined to destroy the warrant you have out for my arrest.

Sincerely,

Tori

You can’t live to eat, you have to eat to live.

The horrible thing for people who have eating problems is that you have to eat to live.  I would challenge other addictions, not that they are any less difficult to break, but a person won’t die if they don’t smoke a cigarette. A person can actually survive without smoking pot or taking cocaine. We can’t continue to live if we don’t eat.  It seems to be something most American’s are struggling with, we have supersized, upgraded, added bacon and cheese to everything.  This change in our culture has resulted in our waistlines expanding exponentially.  This trend in clearly having a terrible impact on everyone young and old.  I challenge that we all must focus on breaking this bad habit.

I was in a Weight Watchers meeting once and a woman was telling a story about how difficult it was to be in the car when she picked up McDonalds for her kids.  She was pained over the smell of the French fries and the way they made her weak.  She went on to say how she wouldn’t eat them because they are so bad for you.  Halfway through the story I actually had to bite my tongue.  When she finished her story the leader asked if any members had any ideas of how to help her with this. The opening had been presented.  I looked her straight in the eye and prefaced what I was about to say with, “I don’t want you to be offended but…” I said, “Why on earth would you feed your kids something that you wouldn’t eat yourself?” She stared at me blankly for a moment then said, “Because they love it, it’s the only thing I can get them to eat.”  Her kids both under the age of 7 were already addicted to the greasy high calorie meals offered at America’s fast food restaurants.  My challenge to this woman went something like this, “They are kids, and you are the adult. They will eat what you put in front of them, eventually.” It is our responsibility as the adult in the situation not to allow our children to become so insanely addicted to something that we know is horrible for them.  This is partly how many of us ended up addicted to these types of food in the first place.

Allowing your family to be addicted to any kind of food is not ok.  I am not saying that you can never have a French fry again. What I am saying is that everything is ok in moderation.  The truth is that high fat and sugary foods have been proven to lead us to eat more high fat and sugary foods. Breaking the cycle is the hardest part but teaching yourself and your family to eat to live as opposed to living to eat is a valuable cause that will only further your weight loss and health goals.

It’s a HoliDAY, not a HoliWEEK or HoliMONTH

As Easter just passed I have reflected on the struggles many people, myself included, have with the holidays.  I think that it is imperative to dive into what causes us to struggle with weight and balance.  When the holiday’s approach I find myself nervous, frustrated, and often times overwhelmed.  I recall so many years of Halloween turning into excessive amounts of candy all the way to Thanksgiving which lead into overeating of Christmas cookies and candy until New Year’s Eve.  I have a feeling that I am not the only one who has experienced this.  The important question is, how do we avoid and control this?  It’s simple, really it is!  I consistently repeat to myself “It is a holiday, one day, that’s it.”

Why are holidays important to you?  I know that the core of each holiday has nothing to do with the food that we as people associate with the event.  Do you think the settlers stuffed themselves so full that they had to unbuckle their belts for hours after the feast? I should say not. Even if they did I don’t think that they then ate themselves silly until Christmas arrived.  The way I have been able to be successful is to be more in control.  What I mean by that is I love to host the event, I plan the meal from start to finish.  This allows me to have complete control of everything that goes into the food and as a result control over what goes into my mouth.  I ask guests to bring things that I either don’t like or that they are unable to add extra fat or calories to.  For example, a veggie platter, fruit platter, beverages, and ice.  What is important to note about these things is they can be time consuming to make yourself and some of it is very heavy to carry.  I am able to cut out some prep time and get others do some heavy lifting.

The last part is to plan things to do with the family that don’t involve food. Taking a family walk after the meal, playing games together, or simply having a conversation not around food.  I am not perfect and still find myself making choices that aren’t exactly the ones that I would have liked to have made.  However, one meal, that’s it.  It has to be over after the meal.  Once you get a handle on this you will be in control and feel so powerful after everyone leaves at the end of the night.  It’s a holiDAY, not a holiWEEK, or holiMONTH.